Friday, May 30, 2008
YES, I am, tra la la
Who could challenge me?
Ever so excited when something went
Unchallenged by my kids
Of course they are all so very advance
With IT and all those jezz
Mummy would always be left behind
In most related IT matters...
BUT this time, Mummy was left unchallenged
The only Blogger in this family of six
Ops plus Amir Harith, now becomes seven
Granny blogger, eh?
Used to be a freak before...
But not anymore
Tra la lala laa laaaaaaa la la
Saturday, May 24, 2008
FARi, you were the only person who were constantly by my side each day, each night, and were present almost every moment of my breath that I took, except when you were in school. All the going-ons, happenings, joys and problems were shared and none were being spared from your ears. Unfair? You were right. It was true, it was not fair. You were so young and fresh to understand what had happened to your mother. Your were unjustly exposed to all these events in life.
It was not fair too that I have left you and your other siblings to be under the same roof as your father. But lessons were to be taught. Let those untrue stories proved them wrong and let you learn the truth somehow. It was not fair! Yes, I know dear.
Then came the story with this helpful friend of mine who were so sincerely helping us through and through until one day, things were so suddenly and abruptly cut off. And the knight in shining armor who acted to be so fatherly and lovingly entertained all of us, dining constantly in his residence and of course "trapped our feelings" with all those things that people could not see with their normal naked eyes.
You fell in love with this '"step father-to -be" because he showered you with love, care, devotion like no fathers would ever do (and most of all, .....deception..this vary fact, none of us had noticed)! Of course as you admittedly said it, you have never had this kind of treatments even from your own paternal father. The day the sad news came, it was fortunate that the phone was in my pocket. The message was read: Fari, uncle would be busy from now on to prepare for my .....and getting ready for my wedding!!!!!!!! What? You little devil.
Fari, a few times you cried on the way to school and I was very horrified and worried sick about this, in case they would disturb your studies. You asked if you could go and visit him in his house after "our" friendships has ended. To all those requests, I turned you down. I was so afraid, all those happenings might have adverse effects on you. Things have got to end up abruptly. "Feelings were sort of trapped" and unexplainable force were playing inside us. Yet we could not see.
Fari, I told you to do your level best in your exam and I would want you to go to a boarding school. Reasons? Any particular reasons? YES dear, there were plentiful if you allowed me to list them down. Whilst I could, I should mention a few here. I wanted you to have a proper time for studying, for other activities, to have a better and proper control over yourself, to be in different environments amongst friends of your age group and I want you to stop listening to my stories day in and day out. I want you to be independent, thriving in your studies which would affect your future, managing yourself well and be a survivor. I have noticed that you grew up too fast and looked more matured than most friends of your age.
Satisfied with my excuses, reasons and answers? Yes, you should be. You were going to survive, no matter what. Stubbornly I put you through to a boarding school. Of course you did not like the new environment in the beginning. But as time went on, new friends were made, confidence levels were secured and increased, your were given responsibilities in class and in games which made you finally settled there. BUT emotionally I never asked you how it affected you. I strongly believed that you were strong, versatile, independent, strong headed and authoritative, do you know that?
Yes, you managed well enough. All the best to you. Something that I have not told you before, was that, due to this "attachment" that you had with this uncle, I was so very afraid until today to develop or even to start another relationship with any man although they came along with good intentions (in one way or another). Fari, for the time being, this is my extra sacrifice for you for being a great listener and for being my confidante in the past. I dare not think and dare not venture into this anymore, in case you would get disturbed all over again which would disrupt your studies.
I love you.
Before we arrived, I received this phone call that sounded very officiating and very unconvincing about my performance. I was eager to meet the caller and to prove him I had the right instrument to do the job well. The demonstration between our "job" and his company was compared side by side. Obviously, we performed well and could convinced the management that we were more professional as compared to his company.
We managed to get the contract for a couple of years until one day, our services were no longer required. Somehow, they were sufficient to support my growing children's needs. At least, food were found each day served on our meal table and moneys given to spend during breaks in school.
Meanwhile, friendships developed, probably out of pity, sympathy and probably empathy. Years went by until I decided to live with my children with "minus one' left behind and carried on with our separately lives. He constantly helped with my daily jobs, tenders, handling of workers and sometimes picking up children from school. Needless to mention, sometimes advices given, emotions and angers shared, frustrations and disappointments that went down the drains being told. I had somewhere, someone to share and compare notes with. Was a great relief then. Thank you to that.
Sacrifices made. Times shared. Nothing was ever asked in return. It was all receiving and receiving from him. All the helps were sincerely given to us. Believe it or not, Em? You better believe me.
Then one day, came riding this Prince Charming like a Knight In Shining Armour on a black horse. I have just discovered him in his adult life (knew him a long time ago before we finished our college) and we exchanged contact numbers during one of those nights at a gala dinner in the city center with the royals, dignitaries, and all.
Two years later, one night, I received a surprise phone call. Coincidentally, I also had the intentions to contact him for some tournaments that he might be interested in. The "current" flowed and the calls came ever so constantly for the next three months. Almost every hour he would call to ask what was I doing and to inform me, what he was going to do next, next and next. He was and still is employed in one of the prominent set up in the country.
My, oh my! Was I not flattered and riding over the moon? The first task done by him was to break my friendship from this old friend. That sent this old friend down and down the memory lanes. Blood pressures went up, reasons were not given, calls were not answered.
As fast as the horse came into my life, it took the same speed to disappear. I was dropped like a hot potato. The moments on cloud nine just disappeared like how the wind blew, I had a free fall!! Moments seemed fleeting away. You cannot see any thing but you could feel its existence being ripped off and died almost instantly. Day dreams were gone. Hopes were shattered. Almost every bones stopped functioning, times stood still, moments frozen in time, heart was torn into pieces, minds came twirling and emotions were erupted like volcanoes. Woosh! Could I take this moment alone? No, of course not. It was shared with my children. Thank you children for being there for me to share my sorrows.
Two friendships were broken within three months? Could I take it? Could I manage it? All was fated to happen. Thank God, I managed well enough and after some weeks of brooding and lying low, I got up and put my head high, started walking tall again. So What???? I was lucky to escape the tyranny and "unseeing" episodes of this so called, gentle, caring and loving person. Beneath him was only God Knows what! As they said it "Blessings In disguise"
But like any modern adults, when I bumped into him some years later, I still could talk and walk together with him at a function without any feelings of vengeance. His deeds, saved me from the worse ever "enforceable acts"...which I could not describe to anyone had it happened to me. His two previous wives had suffered in silence because of his attitudes. Apparently they "left him for good" to continue his "prosperous life" like any royalties.
May 23rd 2000, this old friend came by and visited me. It was indeed an extremely surprise visit. He was telling me about his family life, how his children have lived in success. He ran into difficult times in his business too. Tears rolled down my cheeks as I was confessing to him that I could not even help him in his time of difficulties. BUT those days, when I ran into difficult times raising my children single handedly, he was around to help. He did not mind it at all, after all. What a true friend indeed.
Waking up the next morning, I found myself in tears, real tears that I have not shed for so long in many years. They were flowing even during my prayer time. I got very emotional indeed. That was the most difficult moment of my life. I felt something was missing from my side. Emptiness surrounded me. He was no longer around. He had returned to where he belonged and I am still alone here after decided to be single. Those friendships were treasured well in my mind and memories.
Thank you to him, EM. My children would not have lived comfortably under a roof of a semi-detached house and went to school in an expensive car driven by me had it not been for his extended help. Although I put in great efforts to raise my children but his presence helped too.
happy father's day to him.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Since small, as Tash put it , mummy cut my hair. I could hear her telling Dr. Kate (the cute looking, energetic and warm chiropractor whom we befriended since 1999) this morning at 10.30 a.m, 21st of May 2008...from the changing room I could hear this confession came from her, which I could clearly hear because the distance was only 6 feet apart.
During the treatment, Dr.Kate said, "You have a short hair? I took a peep at it just now. Do you mind?"
"No, not at all. But if the scarf is in the way for you to do the treatment, I could take it off so that you could do it in comfort" said I.
"Oh No, it's okay. I could see that you like your hair short" continued Dr.Kate.
"Yeah, this time I cut it myself (it took me a couple of days of cut, "snip and repair" to get to this length). One hairdresser in Section 14, P.J charged me RM 45.00 (after discount), and another hairdresser cheated me when I went for Henna treatment. She applied on me, refrigerated henna which never worked on my hair. All I got was free treatment of 4 hours (if I am not mistaken) for sitting, steaming, touching my hair and applying "dead" henna!" I complained.
"You know, there is another place that charges only RM 15 in Tesco. My friend who lives in style and very intelligent too, just went there with her hair wet to get them cut. She saves a lot" informed Dr.Kate.
"Yes,we have this lady who owns an old hair dressing salon in Section 17. Her charges is quite nominal too, RM 16 or RM 17 only", I went on to compare notes with her.
"OK now you breath in, breath out", Dr.Kate said after a few minutes of disrupted treatment.
Suddenly I heard Amir Harith waking up and making his noisy conversation outside. I started to giggle. Imagine someone giggling while lying face down, trying to breath in and breath out? Of course Dr. Kate could visibly see my body moved slightly, not relaxing and not properly doing the breathing as instructed.
"Why are you giggling?" asked she, while she stopped a short while.
"O, I suddenly remember what Tash said to her baby a couple of weeks back...Harith, do not ever let Wan cuts your hair, else you end up crying like me!".
Then I told her the story of my children having hair cuts, sometimes ended up in tears and sometimes just a dry smile (in case you know what this means, just keep it to your self). All the four have experienced hair cuts by their supper duper mom. Surprisingly, the one who cried most, still have the confidence of another hair cut as recent as a fortnight ago. Ha, ha, ha! As she continued to tell Dr.Kate, I heard this complaint, " You know, she would first cut as I told her. Then gradually, she cut shorter and shorter and refusing to give me the mirror to look at. That's how the teary hair cut started. But of course, Tash. The hair cut still went on until a fortnight ago!
Barely a month ago, I cut D's hair which was so long and fluffy. It ended up, as she put it, looking like the sixties. So, her top looked like a cake, she said (I am giggling now as I am writing this part). To make her feel better and not to show her protest openly, she constantly put on a clip. I learned from her sister that she asked her for a "repair" hair cut at the Section 17 salon that I mentioned earlier. I do not know why (probably the money factor) they have not gone there yet. Perhaps they might just go during this school holiday break...which is only a couple of days from now.
Amongst the visible "cut" that I made was on Fiz's hair. It looked so easy to cut boy's hair. But as Dr. Kate admitted this morning, she too had made a disastrous hair cut on her friend one day. It seemed so easy, she said. But as she went on, one part became too short which was impossible to repair and by the time she finished the whole hair cut was just...tremendously desastrous!
My hair cut on Fiz was not that serious. It was only one patch that was cut shorter than the rest. It normally happened near his hears...which was admittedly difficult to hold and to cut. Anyway, his hair cut last week, as I noticed when he came home, was also "shorter" on the same patch as I used to do before. Only this time, he paid the barber to get it! Never mind, other people's mistakes are easily forgiven, but not mom's, eh?
Dr.Kate said,"Later they would say, It was okay mummy! But it may take years for your to hear this words spoken". We both broke into laughter. Since I was her first patient today, I hope I have cheered her up as she did unto me. Of course, Amir Harith and Mama came along, just to keep me accompanied. Thank you both.
Layer cut! Was for Za. She did not complain but put on a sulky face after it was done. A clear show of protest, a silent protest.
"Make it thinner mom, make it thinner!"
"Yes, I am trying to but we have not got that special scissors that snipped from the inside part of the thick hair", I answered her. Lately she went to the Section 17 hair salon to have her hair layer-cut.
Okay, finished, done with the hair cut. This super mom had tried everything to please her children. Of course she is not a trained hair stylist but she is creative. She had carefully watched how the hair dresser back in UK cut her hair. This way snip, that way snip. Easy did it. So when her first born was three years old, she tried it on her. From the waist long hair, snipped, snipped until the shoulder length. Ow, no wonder she cried. She had loved to wear her hair long. It was some fine and soft long hair. Before she started her primary one, mom persuaded her to have her hair cut too.
Thank you for this life, Ma
And for patiently bringing me up
To be what I am today (a responsible, caring and reliable person)
They were those hands that fed me well
Dressed me up and sent me to school
Those soft gentle, fine hands did everything
For my sakes so that I grew up
To be someone you wished me to be
Someone useful to the society and community at large
I was a year old when I was living with you
Soon after...almost 10 days later
My late father passed away peacefully...
He died young at the age of 30 plus
I was his favorite child as I was then the youngest
At least that was what I was told
Life went on normally and I grew up
In this house of memories
(only visited it on the 3rd of May 08 recently)
With much care, love and affections showered
And much more received in return by Ma
My! I was ever so grateful to her
The first day to school was "no need to accompany me"
I went alone and paid school fees
Went about the school as though I knew too well
Late evening, returned home
Feeling lonely! Very lonely
Then I began to make friends around the house
But it was only at a certain time of the day
I could go out and play and make noise
They were all older than me
Bigger in sizes too
We played among others ...
"Maing geng" was jumping in square boxes
Threw your dice and jumped
We drew lines on the ground
Of fine whitish grayish sand
"Congkak" was another traditional game
Burrowing holes in the ground
Putting stones or marbles in them
Arranging one by one in each hole until finished
Those people who got the most marbles
Was the winner of them all
Not forgetting though
ALL of us won black finger nails afterwards
Then came the separation
After primary six I went to a boarding school
I now knew too well she missed me so much
And of course, I missed her as much too
I only went home during the school holidays
Each time after the school holiday was over
I would sit quietly at the back of my classroom
And cried of homesick...
She would always send me off and packed me her famous
"Spicy Rice with chicken or beef"
And not forgetting my favorite canned peaches
That allowed me to share with friends
After completing secondary school
I was home for a few months and working temporarily
Then it was time to leave again
To further my studies
Fours years after, I was wedded
To my children's father
Time to leave again?
This time our separation was final!
We lived in England while he completed his studies
Then, One day in the summer
It was mid August in the year of 1981
Barely 2 weeks before we came home
For a short holiday
News of her demise shocked me
Through and Through and through !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It came through a normal mail
After a week she went away...
(no further comments here why through the "normal mail"...I never understood why until today)
A pair of diamond ear studs were obviously meant for me
She really have great shots that interprets life..TQ
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY TO YOU KARIN
This flower seems to tell
All the children, grandchildren and the whole clan
All locked and securely bunch up together
In the loving and affectionate arms of a Mother
Very caring and protective mother
Seemed extremely well sheltered
Monday, May 19, 2008
The eve before today, we decided (between me and D) that we would not want to stay at home, neither that we (I insisted) want to be in crowded places like shopping malls. Agreed? Okay, by noon, we drove out and headed for a destiny that we did not quite know where. But we agreed to it.
After filling in the tank of my Citroen Evasion out of Kuala Lumpur City we headed. This young lady sat excitedly beside me in this venture of "searching" to no valid address. Indeed I was looking for this old friend of mine who sat beside me in the classroom for a couple of years in our secondary school. We departed since after our fifth form. Letters were scarce but memories lived on and on..
Often dreams after dreams came by and we met in our dreams. But where could she be? I kept telling my children of this long lost friend whom one day, I would like to look for. She was a sweet lady, who wore sweet smile, having a mole on her face (bottom right side) with gentle voice and friendly self. She lived in Temerloh, Pahang. But I have forgotten her address, neither could I remember the name of her village.
While driving out of KL evidently we noticed the traffic was clear and smooth. But not the other way, going towards KL was slow and heavy with holiday makers. Aa, are we foreseeing problems in getting home this evening? Never mind that. I was ever so determined to reach this place and for a long time have dreamed of making this journey.
After about two hours of driving, we came to a petrol station, Shell station it was. We were finally in Temerloh town. I got down and asked for the direction I was heading. But I did not know the name of the village, at least it did not come to my mind at that time. Anyway, the young petrol assistant showed me the direction along the Pahang River where all the villages were. Had the journey went further, we could end up in Gemas, Negeri Sembilan.
One village after another, we read the signage. As we drove on, we made several stops to ask where the once village-head by the name of Mr.Abdul Rahman lived. Those people did not seem to know. The suggested we drove on, further up. On our left was the dark brown swollen Pahang River which looked almost level to the ground. It was flowing fast but we took not so much notice of it as it did not play any significant role to our journey. Admittedly, it was scary. It flowed too fast but assumed, it never bothered the villagers a single bit. That was and still is their constant companion.
We came to a place called Durian Daun . I got down and asked one villager where could the house of Mr.Abdul Rahman be? He showed me the house. I went there and asked for the house owner. He was much too young to be Jas's father ( I managed to do quick calculation in my mind), then I drove on. Not trying or wishing to abandon the trip at all...oh, here we go again... I forgot now what is the name of this place that we were looking....!!!Haaaaaaa, it was Mengkarak (corrected on the 22.5.08)and (not Mentakak as was first written).
YES! Here we were alas. There was this huge signage that said "Mengkarak" (corrected on 23rd May 08). But where to start asking? Which house to go to? It appeared quite deserted. Houses were far apart. It was full with green vegetation, cooling and sooting indeed. There was a small stall on the left side of the road, selling fried bananas. I stopped the vehicle and got down and approached the young lady. Lucky day! She showed me the house where Jas's family used to live. It was only approximately twenty feet away. I parked outside the house and addressed the owner.
An old lady came out and answered me. After introducing myself, she invited me in. It was late evening then. I told D, it was impossible to go home that night as the traffic would have got worsened by then. She agreed, though we were without any extra clothings and everything else, needless to mention here. After prayer, we phone Jas' house in the town centre of Temerloh and was informed by her daughter, Siti, that she was away in Kuantan, having farewell dinner with her colleagues.
Anyway, after such a lovely treatment to a tea and some cakes, we departed and left Jas's family. We headed for the town center. By then it was night time. So, we found ourselves in a shop that sells everything we needed. Then we found our way to fill up our tummy and finally, to the hotel. It was Seri Malaysia, located on a hill top.
Just before we left home, I remembered I was having food poisoning from the dinner (the night before) we had somewhere in Shah Alam. It came that night with this funny head ache, like I was going to pass out. Down I went to get some Panadols. Meanwhile a doctor friend working in Kuantan ( a pathologist) had insisted to get me admitted into Temerloh hospital that night. But I declined. If I did, where would my little D be sleeping? Anyway, that night I was on the phone with Siti, Jas's daughter. Of course, it was impossible to find her place although Siti insisted it was easy to find.
Believe it or not? The next day was Teacher's Day, a Friday it was. We decided to stay on until my head-ache lightened. D had nothing to complain. She was excited to be away from school. There would be celebrations in her school but she was cooperative and comfortable to be there with me...at least I believed so. Quite adventurous for her to miss school?
I kept phoning, but Jas's phone just would not answer. Everything would be told in the next night... that is the night after tonight.
Let me recap what had happened then. After two nights in Temerloh and despite not meeting who I was looking for, I was satisfied for the lead I discovered. At least, she now has my phone number and I had hers. Only time would tell the unknown reasons why we did not meet.
A month later, I received an early morning call from Jas. My! Wasn't I overjoyed? I rushed to see her still having breakfast at the Federal Hotel where she and her colleagues were having their Seminars. Overjoyed indeed. We sat at the lounge after she finished her breakfast and managed a snap of a picture to mark our simple reunion.
Apparently, she was all those while wondering where I was too. But, the visit not only took her by surprise, instead I went too far...I misjudged an old friend. After years of separations since teenagers, I overlooked some parts in our lives that have been different. We have developed into different personalities and the missing parts were actually "different perspective" altogether.
Probably her mother had described me and the car I drove but to me it was nothing grand. I did somehow scared her off. She admitted to me after a few subsequent meetings that I could have been "some big shot's wife" or some successful person living in KL. Anyway, so what if I were?
After the ice breaking session with her, she opened up her sad stories. Upon discovering mine which was not any better than her's, she was relaxed about the whole thing and trying to stop thinking that all of us in KL were that successful. No doubt some have clearly climbed the society ladder and some are women of substance, as I put it.
Well, that was my long time dream and I considered it a great triumph! At least I am proud to think that I was the first person from this class to start searching. The next "searching trip" was recently (April 2008) done by a few of us (excluding me) directly to Kota Bharu where they had a reunion with those residing there.
WELL done me and D!
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Shining through and through like my children do
So beautiful, so well mannered, so dignified, so faithful
So strong-looking , so protective, so sincere...
So transparent with a heart that is pure
Thank you children for being there for me
In times of sorrow and happiness and for sharing my LIFE
You are the reasons to live, to withstand
You have always made my days
May Allah The Almighty Bless each and everyone of you
With His Hidayah, Taufiq, Redha and Syafaat
Lead you to the right path endlessly, till the end
Guide you to be the children with strong faith, loyal, Soleh & Solehah
To be better Muslims who are responsible and honorable
To ALL Mothers
Happy Mother's Day
You have been very strong and versatile
To have lasted up to now in style
And able to go through all those while
All the tests, success, problems and short comings
Have surfaced your inner force and hidden ability
You were more dignified, honorable, wiser and stronger
To strengthen the family ties together
Enjoy life while you can
Amir Harith is simply the "something new". This picture was taken when he was 34 days old. Most times, he is not bothered where he sleeps, on Wan's bed, Mama's bed, the settee or in his cot.
Now the "something old"...This picture shows the heavily laced white cotton cushion cover that belongs to Wan. It was a gift when Nyang B bought other stuffs together with some toweling items.
The something new here includes Harith's blue and shite T-shirt and also one missing white mitten....Perhaps Harith has accidentally dropped it on the way up into Wan's room earlier on.
This hand-made blue bed cover was 10 years old this year, in September. It was from Sogo when it first arrived, believed to be from China and it was presented to Wan by a close friend. Some patches got torn over the years and Wan was so patient to have them well stitched up again. It was fairly used as a blanket by Cik D whenever she comes home from the hostel. Last but not least, the brown and white looking blanket. It is actually a cover to a "sleeping bag", belonged to Mama when she was a baby. Wan had carefully stitched it when she was in England. It has matching pillow covers. It is almost 28 years old. Some stitches were recently discovered undone but Wan has not done anything to it yet. Could you imagine that sometimes Mama put Harith in the pillow covers and use as blanket when Harith was so little.