Saturday, May 24, 2008

WHY I SENT YOU AWAY

LARA, perhaps one day we should write a book about your life's true experience...this one is about you and your little girl...I hope we could share with other SM out there...

FARi, you were the only person who were constantly by my side each day, each night, and were present almost every moment of my breath that I took, except when you were in school. All the going-ons, happenings, joys and problems were shared and none were being spared from your ears. Unfair? You were right. It was true, it was not fair. You were so young and fresh to understand what had happened to your mother. Your were unjustly exposed to all these events in life.

It was not fair too that I have left you and your other siblings to be under the same roof as your father. But lessons were to be taught. Let those untrue stories proved them wrong and let you learn the truth somehow. It was not fair! Yes, I know dear.

Then came the story with this helpful friend of mine who were so sincerely helping us through and through until one day, things were so suddenly and abruptly cut off. And the knight in shining armor who acted to be so fatherly and lovingly entertained all of us, dining constantly in his residence and of course "trapped our feelings" with all those things that people could not see with their normal naked eyes.


You went through what I went through. You grew up too soon for your age and it was not fair for you at all. I knew them all. You had all the answers to my problems. You were so matured with your suggestions and they proved reasonable. Thank you dear Fari. You have always made my days and I must say, I love you very much and so sorry I made you grew up too fast.

You fell in love with this '"step father-to -be" because he showered you with love, care, devotion like no fathers would ever do (and most of all, .....deception..this vary fact, none of us had noticed)! Of course as you admittedly said it, you have never had this kind of treatments even from your own paternal father. The day the sad news came, it was fortunate that the phone was in my pocket. The message was read: Fari, uncle would be busy from now on to prepare for my .....and getting ready for my wedding!!!!!!!! What? You little devil.

Fari was ever so upset and did some re-checking with your driver who frequently visited us. It was true. You were leaving all of us. Have some respect for this young lady and stop being a coward. Face her personally and break the news to her gently and with reasons. Grow up, be gentleman and face facts. Coward! You were being so cruel. I was sure she could understand you perfectly well had you explained to her.

Then things came crumbling down, tumbling down and shattered. They were totally wrecked, flabbergasted, full of untrue, strong and unjust accusations. I was trembling in fits as I was reading your "strong words" while in the waiting room of Istana Negara, one day in 2001. Your sms were written while you were on your way to the airport, as your driver told me later. As the extremely heavy torrential fall and thunders were heard and felt, everything in there sent a strong chill down my spine. They attacked me like a very strange kind of stabbings inside me. They were incredibly indescribable. After I delivered the "gifts" to the ADC to the King, I left with the escorts from the palace officers to my car. I could not drive out then. You had dropped a bomb on my chest! You were a pro...I was not the only apparent victim to you. You killed too many souls and you used so many weird tactics to vanish "souls" from your wicked head.

But of course things had happened for some reasons..."Blessings In Disguise" as they say. Only Allah knows best, He had protected me from another blunder in my life. Apparently, Protected and Prevented me from living with another liar, in his world which were full of deception, lies and horrors.

Fari, a few times you cried on the way to school and I was very horrified and worried sick about this, in case they would disturb your studies. You asked if you could go and visit him in his house after "our" friendships has ended. To all those requests, I turned you down. I was so afraid, all those happenings might have adverse effects on you. Things have got to end up abruptly. "Feelings were sort of trapped" and unexplainable force were playing inside us. Yet we could not see.

Fari, I told you to do your level best in your exam and I would want you to go to a boarding school. Reasons? Any particular reasons? YES dear, there were plentiful if you allowed me to list them down. Whilst I could, I should mention a few here. I wanted you to have a proper time for studying, for other activities, to have a better and proper control over yourself, to be in different environments amongst friends of your age group and I want you to stop listening to my stories day in and day out. I want you to be independent, thriving in your studies which would affect your future, managing yourself well and be a survivor. I have noticed that you grew up too fast and looked more matured than most friends of your age.

Satisfied with my excuses, reasons and answers? Yes, you should be. You were going to survive, no matter what. Stubbornly I put you through to a boarding school. Of course you did not like the new environment in the
beginning. But as time went on, new friends were made, confidence levels were secured and increased, your were given responsibilities in class and in games which made you finally settled there. BUT emotionally I never asked you how it affected you. I strongly believed that you were strong, versatile, independent, strong headed and authoritative, do you know that?

Yes, you managed well enough. All the best to you. Something that I have not told you before, was that, due to this "attachment" that you had with this uncle, I was so very afraid until today to develop or even to start another relationship with any man although they came along with good intentions (in one way or another). Fari, for the time being, this is my extra sacrifice for you for being a great listener and for being my confidante in the past. I dare not think and dare not venture into this anymore, in case you would get disturbed all over again which would disrupt your studies.

I love you.



7 comments:

RoyalTLady said...

paragraph template would not respond at this time...again?

RoyalTLady said...

OH Dear!

The template responded over too well this time...even the blinds could read...hahahhaha!

Let it be...malas nak edit dah. The time when I edited, knocking here knocking there, the dear key board almost went wild with irritations. Now I shall let this page become a wild page with huge fonts.

Anonymous said...

Aunt Lara,

Someone has been here and read this story. What did I see and feel rolling down from my pretty sweet cheeks? Tears of course. I have shared this story with grief and sadness. Aunt Lara, your story touched me as I am probably of the same age as your Fari...

RoyalTLady said...

trying to edit the text but they simply would not respond...tra la la la...

next time perhaps...

Lady Dee said...

Dear Aunty, I'm amazed at how strong you are after all that you went through.. How I wish I could at least TRY to be as strong as you

RoyalTLady said...

Hi Lady Dee,
Thank you for dropping by.

WHY? Have you gone through it too?

Aaaa, I thought you are my Diyanah's friend...she told her friends to read my blog and a few came by.

I enjoy reading your dad's blog too and I have passed some comments when he wrote about you. Have you read it yet?

You are so sweet. Who do you resemble more? Dad or mom?

The person in this story that aunt Lara had encountered is one of the guys in the place you are now working.

diyanah said...

dearest most respected beloved royalTlady,my mummy..i dont know if i am allowed to reveal my identity n reveal ur identity as well..might as well i put it in this manner..u deserve to be happy as i how wish u wud b happy with a companion that ur heart desire..and that is what i want..that is..seeing u with the right person.ive grown up, being able to understand emotions,needs and desires..thanks to you my most beloved one.i have been praying to see u building a new life that's way different from ur past and i wish n pray it wud be filled with bright colourful flowers..just like how u'd love and want it to be.if there is someone right for u..go on..i'd be very honored and contented to be the first to know the news!i'll be right behind ur back supporting u if its whats best for u and..so will i be the one right in front of u to protect u against those who wants to destroy our lives..i love you too mummy..thank you is not the word for me to describe how grateful and thankful i am for a protective,loving supporting mother like you..